3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
