cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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