I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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