I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
