You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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