Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
