dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
