Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
