My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
