Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
