When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
