You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
