Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
