my mouth tastes like poor choices
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
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