I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
