I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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