i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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