Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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