wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
