btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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