so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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