It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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