She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
