Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
