I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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