The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
