Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
