i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
