Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
