End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
In other news, I just burned my penis
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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