a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
