I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
