I just made out with a guy for $7.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
