I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
