Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
