so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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