Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
