I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
