So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
