i just wanna soil my oats bro
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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