Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
