You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
