I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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