i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
