Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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