Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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