Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
