i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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