Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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