Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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